On mourning…

Mourning is an ugly beast.   It can take come in many shapes, sizes, and colors, and as much as people want to make it fit into a “box”, it doesn’t.  It’s different from person to person and situation to situation.  I don’t know what’s harder, being the person in mourning over a loss or trying to be friends with a person in mourning.  I can’t give any advice on being the person mourning other than its a process, and you have to let yourself go through it.  If you try to rush it, you will only make it worse, and there is no time limit.  Being in the mourning process, I can tell you what helps, and what doesn’t when your friend is the one in mourning…

1) Eliminate the phrase “just a” from your vocabulary.  For example, “Just a dog”.  It minimizes whatever you are talking about.

2) Do not say, “I know how you feel.”  No, no you do not.  You may have been in a similar situation, but you don’t know how I feel.  There are so many different variables that two people experience grief over the same situation in the same household will likely not feel the same.

3) Only say, “If you need something, let me know,” if you 100% mean it.  So many people say it, but when push comes to shove, they aren’t there.

4) There is no time limit on grieving.  Don’t try to make one.

5) If you are dealing with your own shit and can’t be there, just tell us.  We aren’t so irrational that we don’t understand that.  Let me give you an example.  Two days after we lost Hershey, a very close friend lost her dog unexpectedly, and the next day another close friend lost her cat.  The three of us are close, but we each knew that we couldn’t lean on each other this time.  It was quite a while before we talked to each other.  We were supportive over text and Facebook, but we respected that we each needed space.

6) If you want to do something, grab a pizza (or whatever) and a funny movie and come crash with us, or something simple along those lines.  You don’t have to make a grand gesture.  I have had friends do amazing and unexpected things in the wake of Hershey’s death, but none of it was expected, and no one is being compared to anyone else, and I don’t even know who sent us some of the stuff, (but is all greatly appreciated.)  Do what you feel moved to do.

7) It is ok just to say, “I’m sorry.”

8) It is ok to say, “I don’t know what to say.”  or “I can’t imagine.”

9) Most of the time just being a shoulder is what is needed.

10) Understand that we talk to people as we feel comfortable doing so, and we do avoid people.  In the days immediately after losing Hershey, I didn’t talk to anyone outside of my home.  I didn’t answer calls, and I didn’t return them.  I hid.  I was stunned and couldn’t deal with what had just happened.  As the days passed, I first communicated by text and FB.  When I actually made or took phone calls, they were to select people, people I thought I could handle talking to.  Being a person that is being avoided doesn’t mean you don’t matter, it may mean that you matter so much that we just can’t handle the conversation that needs to be had yet.

11) Do not make demands of the person mourning.  Within a couple days of her passing, I got a phone call, and I sent it to voicemail.  The message I got was, “I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.  Call me.  I need to talk.”  I was incensed.  SHE needed to talk.  SHE had seen Hershey twice in her life, and Hershey had never let her touch her.  SHE felt like she had been punched in the gut?  I said a lot profane things about that message, but I didn’t return that call for over a week.  I just couldn’t.

I saw this expiation about chronic illness once, and I think it fits here.  Draw a series of circles, one inside the other.  (like a bulls eye, but with more circles).  In the very center is the person/furperson this is all about.  The circle right outside is the people most effected, the next circle is either the next set of people effected, or the people closest to the ones most effected.  For example, in my situation, Hershey is the center, her daddy and I are the first ring out, the next ring out contains her vet and the people who cared for her, the next ring are the people closest to me, like her “Aunt Sara”, our close friends who have met her, and so on…  OK, you can bitch and moan and fuss to the people on the rings outside of where you are, but you can not to the people who are on the inside of the ring you are on.  Basically, you can fuss to the people less effected that you, but not to the ones more effected.  I hope that made sense.

12) We are irrational and sensitive.  It comes with the territory.  If we are being irrational or overly sensitive, tell us gently.  For example, someone said something on my page asking “how was her passing.”  I got pissy about it, but a couple of friends explained how it was probably meant, and that it was meant to be comforting.

13) We aren’t going to react or mourn the same way each time we lose someone, it depends on where we are in life, the effect that person/furperson had on our lives, what happened, etc…  A sudden loss will likely take longer than one due to chronic illness.  That’s bc the mourning starts when the illness starts.

14) Don’t ask about the situation if the person hasn’t brought it up.  Sometimes we need a conversation that is a diversion.

15) Do not say, “They are in a better place”.  I know its meant well, but I can tell you right now, that there is no better place than right here with me on her side of the couch.

I’m sure I haven’t covered everything, but that’s all I can think of for now.  For those that stand by the irrational, sensitive, emotional ones in mourning, God Bless You.